Spider-Man: The Bear Facts

Given the sudden emergence of cute, fuzzy animals in the blogoverse, Fuzzy and Softy thought it high time they add their two cents to the Fortress’ Four-Color Annals of Super Spandex-dom.

In case you missed their earlier visit, Fuzzy and Softy spend most of their days reading Archie Comics, playing MLB 2006: The Show and running around with Fortress Boy.

Inspired by their mentor and hero, Bully, the two decided to branch out and read a few super-hero comics.

Since they enjoyed the Keeper’s collection of Ralph Bakshi Spider-Man cartoons, they agreed to sample three books featuring the one and only friendly neighborhood web-slinger.

Let’s see what they think …

Fortress Keeper: Hey bears!

Fuzzy: Hi, Mr. Keeper!

Softy: (Face in jar of honey) Mmmmph!

Fortress Keeper: Ready to read some Spidey?

Fuzzy: Yeah!

Softy: * Burp *

Amazing Spider-Man #535

Synopsis: After touring the Negative Zone gulag built by Mr. Fantastic and Iron Man, Peter finally figures out he’s working for a pair of fascist super-villains.

Fuzzy: (Looking at cover) I thought you said this was a Spider-Man story.

Fortress Keeper: It is.

Softy: Where is he? I don’t see him anywhere.

Fortress Keeper: He’s the guy in the red and gold costume.

Softy: They’re both wearing red and gold costumes!

Fortress Keeper: Ummm … Spider-Man has three extra robotic arms.

Fuzzy: ?!?

Softy: Maybe he’s inside the book. (Starts turning pages …)

Fuzzy: Who’s that mean robot?

Fortress Keeper: That’s Iron Man.

Softy: Is he a bad guy?

Fortress Keeper: Well, he’s not supposed to be …

Softy: Then why is he so mean? And who are all those people locked up in jail?

Fortress Keeper: Uh, super-heroes. See, there’s this thing called the Registration Act …

Fuzzy: ?!?

Fortress Keeper: Maybe we should go to the next book.

Ultimate Spider-Man #100

Synopsis: The Ultimate Clone Saga reaches a thrilling climax as Peter’s father returns from the grave! But, what’s happening to Mary Jane?

Fuzzy: I like the cover. Look at all those Spider-Men bouncing around!

Softy: Yeah, this looks like fun.

Fuzzy: (Opens book, starts turning pages) Hey, all they’re doing is talking!

Softy: That’s boring. Ewwww, who’s the guy with all that pizza gunk on his face?

Fuzzy: I don’t know but it looks really gross….and he’s talking a lot too!

Softy: Oooo … four-armed Spider guy!

Fuzzy: Fight! Fight! Awww…the pizza-faced guy won.

Softy: Now everybody’s talking again.

Fuzzy: I don’t see Spider-Man anywhere. Is there any honey left in that jar?

Softy: (Yawns) I think so. Boy, I’m getting sleep…… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Fortress Keeper: Better go to the next book.

Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane #10

Synopsis: Mary Jane is going to star in a play, but she’s more worried about Peter and Gwen’s growing friendship. Meanwhile, will Flash Thompson ruin everything?

Softy: Who’s that girl with Spider-Man?

Fortress Keeper: Mary Jane.

Fuzzy: Is she like Betty or Veronica?

Fortress Keeper: Well, in the old days Mary Jane was sort of like Veronica and Gwen, this other girl in the story, was sort of like Betty. But now, they’re both kind of like Betty.

Fuzzy: ?!?

Fortress Keeper: What do you two think of the story?

Softy: Neat! It kind of reminds me of Archie, but a lot cooler …

Fuzzy: Yeah, it’s funny too! And look, Spider-Man’s fighting a bad guy!

Softy: Go Spidey!

Fuzzy: He won! Yay!

Softy: This book was the best, Mr. Keeper.

Fortress Keeper: I agree. So of the three, Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane is the one you’d recommend to our friends in Fortress Land?

Softy: (Face back in honey jar) Mmmphhhhh.

Fuzzy: (Looking through other comics in the Keeper’s longbox) Sure! Hey, this looks cool …

Fortress Keeper: Well, that was fun. Maybe we’ll do it again some day …

Fuzzy: (Holding copy of Civil War #4) Mr. Keeper?

Fortress Keeper: Yes, Fuzzy?

Fuzzy: What’s a “Clor”?

Fortress Keeper: ?!?