Deconstructing Batman

If there’s anything bloggers love, it’s unearthing bizarre hidden messages in comics written decades ago.

And it’s all the better if these selfsame underlying themes are - as we like to say in the 21st century - “sexual” in nature.

From Supergirl’s unique relationship with her cousin to Hawkman’s ’90s encounter with Dr. Polaris, unintentional (at least in some cases … we hope) naughty jokes abound in DC and Marvel’s multiverses.

Guess that shouldn’t be too surprising, given the fact that most super-heroes run around in skin-tight outfits - when they’re wearing any clothing at all.

The king of comic-book subtext is Batman - a character once “outed” by the infamous Dr. Fredric Wertham. Since that time, the Dark Knight has been the frequent target of sniggering remarks - a fate no amount of post-Miller hardcore violence and psychosis can ever truly wipe away.

Of course, books like Batman #107 (1957) blatantly demonstrate why so many like to make fun of the Caped Crusader - it’s just so dang easy!

What’s so special about Batman #107? Here’s the plot: Dick Grayson mysteriously turns into an adult and Gotham flips over the fact that Batman has a real man!

Since the jokes practically write themselves here, the Keeper will instead point out key examples of subtext and let his six or seven readers go to town with their own quips.

Have fun!

Example #1:

Bruce and Dick examine a “queer” object.

Example #2:

Batman tells Dick he has a lot of “growing” to do before he becomes a real man.

Example #3:

Criminals are amazed that Batman got a “man” to take Robin’s place. Meanwhile, Bruce would tan Owlman’s hide - if Dick wasn’t so big now.

Example #4:

Dick finds that flagpoles can no longer support his weight.

Example # 5:

The underworld can’t get over the fact they have a man to worry about.

Example #6

Dick admires his grown-up muscles; notes he’s as “big” as Batman.

Example #7

Dick, once more a boy, notes his Owlman outfit is “swimming on him.”

To be perfectly honest, we have no idea what that last statement means!

For more Batman goodness, be sure to check out Random Panels and the Invincible Super Blog - two of the Web’s best sources for bizarre Bat-phernalia.

Spider-Man: The Bear Facts

Given the sudden emergence of cute, fuzzy animals in the blogoverse, Fuzzy and Softy thought it high time they add their two cents to the Fortress’ Four-Color Annals of Super Spandex-dom.

In case you missed their earlier visit, Fuzzy and Softy spend most of their days reading Archie Comics, playing MLB 2006: The Show and running around with Fortress Boy.

Inspired by their mentor and hero, Bully, the two decided to branch out and read a few super-hero comics.

Since they enjoyed the Keeper’s collection of Ralph Bakshi Spider-Man cartoons, they agreed to sample three books featuring the one and only friendly neighborhood web-slinger.

Let’s see what they think …

Fortress Keeper: Hey bears!

Fuzzy: Hi, Mr. Keeper!

Softy: (Face in jar of honey) Mmmmph!

Fortress Keeper: Ready to read some Spidey?

Fuzzy: Yeah!

Softy: * Burp *

Amazing Spider-Man #535

Synopsis: After touring the Negative Zone gulag built by Mr. Fantastic and Iron Man, Peter finally figures out he’s working for a pair of fascist super-villains.

Fuzzy: (Looking at cover) I thought you said this was a Spider-Man story.

Fortress Keeper: It is.

Softy: Where is he? I don’t see him anywhere.

Fortress Keeper: He’s the guy in the red and gold costume.

Softy: They’re both wearing red and gold costumes!

Fortress Keeper: Ummm … Spider-Man has three extra robotic arms.

Fuzzy: ?!?

Softy: Maybe he’s inside the book. (Starts turning pages …)

Fuzzy: Who’s that mean robot?

Fortress Keeper: That’s Iron Man.

Softy: Is he a bad guy?

Fortress Keeper: Well, he’s not supposed to be …

Softy: Then why is he so mean? And who are all those people locked up in jail?

Fortress Keeper: Uh, super-heroes. See, there’s this thing called the Registration Act …

Fuzzy: ?!?

Fortress Keeper: Maybe we should go to the next book.

Ultimate Spider-Man #100

Synopsis: The Ultimate Clone Saga reaches a thrilling climax as Peter’s father returns from the grave! But, what’s happening to Mary Jane?

Fuzzy: I like the cover. Look at all those Spider-Men bouncing around!

Softy: Yeah, this looks like fun.

Fuzzy: (Opens book, starts turning pages) Hey, all they’re doing is talking!

Softy: That’s boring. Ewwww, who’s the guy with all that pizza gunk on his face?

Fuzzy: I don’t know but it looks really gross….and he’s talking a lot too!

Softy: Oooo … four-armed Spider guy!

Fuzzy: Fight! Fight! Awww…the pizza-faced guy won.

Softy: Now everybody’s talking again.

Fuzzy: I don’t see Spider-Man anywhere. Is there any honey left in that jar?

Softy: (Yawns) I think so. Boy, I’m getting sleep…… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Fortress Keeper: Better go to the next book.

Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane #10

Synopsis: Mary Jane is going to star in a play, but she’s more worried about Peter and Gwen’s growing friendship. Meanwhile, will Flash Thompson ruin everything?

Softy: Who’s that girl with Spider-Man?

Fortress Keeper: Mary Jane.

Fuzzy: Is she like Betty or Veronica?

Fortress Keeper: Well, in the old days Mary Jane was sort of like Veronica and Gwen, this other girl in the story, was sort of like Betty. But now, they’re both kind of like Betty.

Fuzzy: ?!?

Fortress Keeper: What do you two think of the story?

Softy: Neat! It kind of reminds me of Archie, but a lot cooler …

Fuzzy: Yeah, it’s funny too! And look, Spider-Man’s fighting a bad guy!

Softy: Go Spidey!

Fuzzy: He won! Yay!

Softy: This book was the best, Mr. Keeper.

Fortress Keeper: I agree. So of the three, Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane is the one you’d recommend to our friends in Fortress Land?

Softy: (Face back in honey jar) Mmmphhhhh.

Fuzzy: (Looking through other comics in the Keeper’s longbox) Sure! Hey, this looks cool …

Fortress Keeper: Well, that was fun. Maybe we’ll do it again some day …

Fuzzy: (Holding copy of Civil War #4) Mr. Keeper?

Fortress Keeper: Yes, Fuzzy?

Fuzzy: What’s a “Clor”?

Fortress Keeper: ?!?

Don’t #$%^ With Colleen Wing

Colleen Wing and her bionic pal, Misty Knight, are enjoying a high profile these days thanks to the latest iteration of Heroes for Hire.

Of course, the Keeper first met Wing and Knight in the Bronze Age Iron Fist comic. They were two, assertive kick-@$$ women lovingly brought to life by Chris Claremont and John Byrne.

Of course it wouldn’t have been a Claremont comic without at least one character being corrupted by a super-villain.

Sadly Colleen was the Dark Phoenix du jour as she was kidnapped and brainwashed by Angaar the Screamer (!) to kill Iron Fist.

She was brought back to her senses by Danny, who used a K’un L’un mind-meld to forever join the two friends mentally, physically and spiritually. (Yep, Claremont wrote this all right …)

Colleen, natually, was pretty p!$$ed off by the whole ordeal. In Iron Fist #7 she got a measure of revenge …

Wow.

The Keeper only has two words regarding that sequence. Logan, if you would do the honors?

Thank you.

(Man. Angaar The Screamer. How did the Bullpen come up with so many freaks?)

War Of The Super-Friends

Captain America vs. Iron Man?

Pah! Rank amateurs.

Superman and Batman - arguably the two most famous heroes in comics - are worse than Al and Peg Bundy when it comes to petty arguments and fist-fights.

And that’s before the original Crisis, when the two were allegedly best friends.

In fact, many of the stories that appeared in the long-running World’s Finest series dealt with the Man of Steel and the Caped Crusader competing against each other in some way, shape or form. It usually ended up being a dream, hoax or imaginary story, but by the next issue the two would be at each others throats again.

World’s Finest #176 tried to shake up the formula by adding Supergirl and Batgirl to the mix. DC also farmed the art out to a young’un named Neal Adams. We’re not sure if the guy did anything else of note …

Anyway, a story boasting Kara, Babs and Neal Adams has to be great, right?

Wrong!

Despite its rather boastful title, World’s Finest hardly represented the cream of DC’s crop. Sure, its pages gave birth to such rad concepts as the Composite Superman, Nova and the Super Sons. But for the most part, the title concerned itself with - well, you know - hoaxes, dreams and imaginary stories about Superman fighting Batman.

Read on and see if you agree!

Small … Doctor Small

In the Silver Age, dentists were bigger than rock stars …