Today, the Fortress Keeper got his greedy little hands on the ultimate comic.
One that reshaped the very boundaries of the art form, one that spoke to the problems of today’s world, one that portrayed an epic battle so violent, so intense it could barely be contained on the printed page.
Oh yes. The Keeper also read Infinite Crisis #7 and Civil War #1.
Anyway, back to the matter at hand: Tales of the Unexpected #97!
Yes Fortress Fiends, your eyes ain’t lying. It’s DC’s immortal Automan - the sensational character find of 1966 - versus the radioactive ruthlessness of Mutant-Man!
It’s the ages-old issue of man vs. machine, twisted into a brilliant meta-commentary that’s too machismo for Morrison, too juiced for Johns and too much … um, er … Bratwurst for Bendis.
But, hold steady dear readers. Stories of such magnitude aren’t read lightly. The brilliant minds behind DC’s Silver Age realized fans had to first build the proper strength to withstand this sizzling, daring brand of excitement.
So Tales of the Unexpected # 97 offered three - that’s three - tales for a mere 12 cents. Each skillfully added layers of tension to the comic, strengthening readers’ hearts for the coming cataclysm.
The first starred the most unusual hero of all, The Green Glob.
The Glob, who actually appeared in several issues of Unexpected, was sort of a silent, gelatinous version of the Twilight Zone’s Rod Serling.
In each story, the strange creature would secretly enter some poor schmuck’s life to teach a valuable “lesson” - like Superman used to do when he would pretend to murder Jimmy Olsen or something.
In this particular issue, the Glob sent a dying man to a land inhabited by hostile fire creatures - ostensibly to demonstrate the value of life. Lesson learned, dude!
The second story was a “DC Classic” involving a corrupt man who was transformed into a centaur and did many naughty things.
An obvious inspiration to fan-fic writers everywhere - as well as several issues of Uncanny X-Men - the evil-doer receives his unjust due by devolving into an intelligent horse.
Eventually, however, he mended his evil ways and entered a long-term relationship with the Silver-Age Supergirl.
Finally, FINALLY…we’re ready for the epic saga of Automan vs. Mutant-Man. Our story opens sometime in a distant, apocalyptic future as our man of metallic mayhem rides through a radioactive wasteland in his spiffy new motorboat!
Sent on a dire mission by 60 Minutes’ own Andy Rooney, Automan confronts the dread Mutant-Man on Loon Island - the very same sinister isle that later housed the somewhat obscure Weapon X project that gave us NightBadger or some other guy with a similar name…
Deftly refusing Mutant-Man’s invitation to the “Club Club” - where the misbegotten freak was not only a member, but the president - Automan revs up his gears and … uh, gets his rivets handed to him on a platter.
Good thing it was all just a joke, right Automan? Right, Automan? Um, you don’t seem to be all that amused…
Oh, oh. Looks like our silly ol’ Mutant-Man has gotten himself in over his head. Too bad Automan, with his sophisticated computer brain and all, couldn’t figure out how to work the Genetic Mutation Ray. “Strange” how that worked out, huh?
Ticked that he wasted a perfectly good afternoon, Automan returns to Robot Tech (a precursor to RoboTech, obviously) and electrocutes Andy Rooney. The Keeper never did like that glum little troll.
Sadly, the concept of a dark hero like Automan was clearly too much for readers in 1966, although later the idea would be recycled (get it?) by Marvel Comics for the character Cable. Mutants, as we all know, proved to be a totally unworkable concept and disappeared into the mists of time soon after this story was published.
