If Infinite Crisis accomplishes nothing else, it should forever establish the importance of Jonathan and Martha Kent to the DC Universe.

Because without them, Earth-1, Earth-2, New Earth and the rest would be nothing but burnt, lifeless husks.

Ridiculous, you say? Just look at Superboy-Prime. Yeah, yeah, his world no longer exists and the poor kid’s been trapped in limbo for 20 years with a gold-plated lunatic and two worn-out relics.

Boo frickin’ hoo!

The Kal-Els in other continuities (i.e. the Golden, Silver and Bronze ages) also experienced loss on a cosmic level, but you never saw them strap on bad ’80s super-villain armor and take out B-level Titans.

That’s because those iterations of Kal-El had Jonathan and Martha to straighten them out. (OK, on Earth-2 it was John and Mary…you get the point!) Nothing like a little time out in the Phantom Zone to set a young Kryptonian on the right path.

Infinite Crisis isn’t the first example of a Superboy gone wrong, however. A two-part “imaginary story” in Action Comics #332-#333 (1966) demonstrates what would have happened if Kara Zor-El reached Earth first, and later mentored a teenage Kal-El.

Believe the Keeper; it’s not a pretty picture.

In this variation of the characters’ familiar origins, Kara’s father Zor-El predicts the imminent destruction of Krypton and manages to escape the planet with his family. (Outstripping his more famous brother once and for all. How come Jor-El never managed the same trick?

The overrated Jor-El, meanwhile, scoffs at his brother’s warnings and devotes time to building an impenetrable dome to protect Argo City from alien attack. Ironically, this saves the scientist and his family when the exploding Krypton flings the entire community into space.

Zor-El and family reach Earth, and for a time act as the planet’s secret defenders while posing as ordinary, Midwestern farmers, the “Zorelles.” After freak encounter with Gold Kryptonite leaves her parents powerless, Kara embarks on a public career as Supergirl. A compassionate soul in any universe, Kara proves herself to be a resourceful and skilled heroine and earns world-wide acclaim.

(Heck, even Lex Luthor likes her.)

After her parents pass away *choke*, a remorseful Kara opens a private detective agency as mild-mannered investigator (!?) “Carole Zorelle.”

Believing she is the last Kryptonian in the universe, the now-adult Superwoman mourns her lot in life until the day a strange UFO landed in the ocean. Fearful that an alien invasion has begun, Kara flies to the scene and meets her long-lost cousin, Kal-El - the last survivor of Argo City.

Naturally, The Batwoman doesn’t trust this mysterious and powerful newcomer and … wait a minute, that’s the wrong story. Besides, the prospect of a female Darkseid is too terrible to imagine…

Anyway, in accordance with Kryptonian tradition, Superwoman takes her traumatized cousin straight to an orphanage, plops a wig on the kid and promises to secretly train him as her protege.

Unfortunately, “Cal” doesn’t take to sitting on the sidelines well and recklessly commits a series of catastrophic mistakes.

Even though Kara never threatens her cousin with banishment or other forms of psychological torture (like some people…) , the overly eager Kal-El chafes under Superwoman’s guidance and plots a dark and sinister revenge.

Apparently Jor-El and Lara - brilliant as they were - failed to teach young Kal any morals. It’s that darn Kryptonian secular humanism. By Rao, you know Jonathan and Martha didn’t put up with such godlessness!

Pretending to be normal “Cal Ellis” again, the villainous Superboy plays dirty tricks on his fellow orphans so he can be adopted by a famous scientist. Given access to the latest in Silver Age technology, Kal-El works out a devious plan to defeat Superwoman - a plan so insidious, in fact, that he has no problem announcing each and every detail to his shocked cousin.

(When you’re that EVIL, you don’t need the element of surprise!)

In a last-ditch effort to scare her cousin straight, Kara tells Superbrat the tale of Van-Dal - a kid who was so rotten that he was forever banished to the Phantom Zone. Kal, fully in EVIL mode, decides Van is his kind of guy and sends Superwoman packing.

Fortunately, Superboy doesn’t know of his cousin’s secret weapon: the hard-boiled private eye known as Jimmy Olsen! (That little weasel … er, “Mr. Action” can apparently cozy up to a red “S” in any reality…)

Revealing her true identity to Jimmy for some unknown reason (although it does demonstrate her kindheartedness to co-workers, a trait the Silver Age Superman never really picked up), the two cook up their own plan.

Sooner than you can exclaim “Great Krypton,” Kal receives a Phantom Zone transmission from Van-Dal and his really nasty mother offering to provide the Superbrat immunity from Kryptonite - if he only sets them free.

The EVIL Superboy, who apparently is also quite stupid, agrees and promptly drinks the pair’s “antidote.”

Surprise Super Dumb-Ass! It turns out Van-Dal and his mom are really Jimmy and Kara in disguise, and the befuddled Stuporboy has just ingested liquid Red Kryptonite!!!

Rather than fry her arrogant cousin with heat vision, Superwoman decides to humiliate Kal by flying off to handle an “emergency” and leaving the one-time Superboy to the tender mercies of Jimmy Olsen - who decks the rogue Kryptonian with ONE PUNCH!

Wow! Imaginary Jimmy rocks!!!

After flying back and having a big laugh at Kal’s expense, Superwoman strips her cousin of both his super-powers and his memories. Hey, it’s OK! It’s the Silver Age!!! Mind-wipes were all the rage back then!!!

So, the lobotomized Kal-El - who apparently doesn’t even have a name now - lives happily ever after. But the Keeper can’t help but wonder if Kara went a little easy on him. What would have happened if the situation was reversed, and Superman was forced to deal with a Supergirl gone awry?

Oh yeah, that’s right…

What a dick.